Possible Truth About Me and My Real Dad

I am starting to think that my real dad has defected to UK back when Putin took power. However, my mother did not want to defect with him for some reason. Likely she contacted Russian KGB to sneak back into Russia from UK and also took me and my brother with her. I was not told anything at all, she just decided on her own for all of us, that evil cunt. Russian KGB or other spy agencies likely help her flee UK. 

Me and my brother were kept completely in the dark, at the very least I was kept in the dark. I was not given any choice, and she did not even explain what happened, she lied and pretended this was just another of our regular foreign trips.

After visiting various museums in London, just like we often did on foreign trips, we just came back to Russia. I do not remember going back though, I just woke up in my Moscow apartment bed. Mom told me I was too tired from all the museums, so I slept the whole trip back and they carried me all the way to the plane and then back home. Looking back at it now, she probably lied and I was sedated instead. Back in the days I was barely a teen to think of such complex plots.

After our arrival, mom told us dad will return later after he finishes his work in London. That took time, we went back to school and other daily routine. A number of weeks or maybe months have passed. Eventually dad came back ... but was that dad a real one or a fake?

Back in the days I could not think he was fake, I was too young to think about such complex conspiracies. Mom acknowledged him as real, so are some of the family friends who still maintain contact by that time. Other broke all contacts. KGB could have drugged or brainwashed me and my brother to make sure we will not notice the difference.

That time distance before we last time saw our real dad and the time the fake one first appeared likely made that transition smoother. The fake dad might have occasionally appeared in our lives even before that, KGB probably had us in their sights for a long time and wanted to test how their double will work.

For a long time, I thought this person was my dad. I even choose to live with him, when he and mom divorced. That was not because he was such a nice person, but because my mom was such an awful person. Gradually I stopped getting along with this new fake dad and started to live on my own.

Nowadays I think he was fake. To begin with he was far too patriotic compared to my real dad or our family friends. That showed not overtly but rather in unusual incidents where he expressed usual for Russian patriots' disdain and desire to hurt those who 'hate Russia'.

Second, unlike my real dad, who bought me a lot of things and generally supported me well, a KGB fake instead gradually took most of it away. Instead of buying and giving me things he criticized my "selfishness" and gave me less and less. 

Looking back, it was rather clear that he was not real as real parents support their children, not squeeze them dry. This KGB fake pretended to be real in hope of squeezing some value out of me, what exactly I was not told. He always told me as little as possible.

All that reminds me of Prince of Persia 2 intro, a game I used to play back in 90s.

If what I described above was indeed what actually happened, then I cannot forgive my mother for depriving me of my life I enjoyed during 90s and turning me into a guinea pig for KGB agenda and experiments. That is not how a real mother behaves.

Neither can I forgive KGB (Russian secret police and intelligence structures). I do hope one day they are completely eradicated down to every single man. These bastards deserve gas chambers. Nuke Lubyanka.

I do wonder what happened to my real dad, or network of friends we had during 90s. I am not sure if it's still possible to re-connect on emotional level after all this time. 

At the very least I hope to get the money and my 90s lifestyle I was deprived off by KGB. We were rich and I do not want to endure poverty KGB and Upper Volta with nukes they serve subjected me to. 

The Past is Gone

Recently I was using Google Maps to check out various locations I lived or visited in the past. I was wondering what have changed or not since the last time I have been there. If few things, I actually liked or remembered there back then are still around? For the most part I could not find anything that could give me any sense of nostalgia. Not because I could not find the locations, but because these places feel different now, too different to feel like I have lived there in the past. Buildings still stand, most of them, but they give off different feel and vibe. Instead of nostalgia like "oh, I remember I used to walk or play here" it for the most part "it's all gone now". Different stores, different trains, different stations. Only some infrastructure pieces remain, like that tunnel and that other bridge is still there, but it's too little to matter.

Russia is particularly badly affected. Current KGB rat (Putin) regime hates 90s and probably tries to erase all that might remind anyone of these times. Together with 90s they also essentially erased everything that ever connected me to that country. I am a child of 90s and like to remember these times fondly, no matter what henchmen of KGB rat say. Real bandits are not "bandits of the 90s" whom Kremlin reviles but KGB who stole and renamed what businessmen of 90s build. 

All stores are new and different, all what was there before is gone. Average store vibe is like they were planned and designed by people who hate retail and consumerism and wanted to make it as small and cheap as possible to spend less money on it. In theory they wanted to upgrade trains and stations, but new ones somehow feel even more depressing than old ones. They did not improve them, just changed the signs to make it look more modern. Everything looks even less spacious and more built up than it was before. All streamlined amalgamated and homogenised. All to make it as cheap as possible and squeeze even more people into the same space. Designed by people who do does not care for anything but birthrates. It's despicably ugly to watch.

Even before I never liked Russia or feel at home there, but now there is not even a single thing I care about left to connect me to the country. It's now completely different and foreign to me. One cannot enter the same river twice and one cannot return Yeltsin's Russia back into existence. Only memories of what is once was, remain. But the country changed too much, and I no longer recognise it as a place I once lived in. Its not a motherland.

Karlovy Vary, Cesenatico, Heraklion and Antalya feel better, but they too could not escape trends of the times. Hotels and entertainment feel less cozy and hospitable and more of a weird and outlandish. Ever since 2010s there was this ugly trend to make everything either retro ugly or some grinch level weird. 

I guess escaping current fashion trends in nostalgia was not the most prudent decision. People who like things I do not and hate things I like running the show everywhere across the globe. It's truly sad to see them destroy or change a lot of what I liked.

The excesses are what makes life worth living, without them it's just miserable existence.

I can only hope that we will take power from austerity clowns, who have turned life into circus and are currently running it, sooner rather than later and redirect the money from excessive breeding towards making life cozier and sunnier than it currently is. 

Golden sand, cyan water, golden rays of setting sun, warm nights, pleasant smell of flowers and the sea, glass, brass and lights, tasty food in abundance, boats, many, many boats and planes, and carpets and comfy large armchairs and sofas, art the cozy, not shocking type. That is what we need, I need in my life.